It was with great pride and some trepidation that I approached the dinner table tonight. I knew it was time for my little girl to learn one of life’s more valuable lessons yet I was saddened to subject her to the tribulation one must endure to learn said lesson. Following are the detailed instructions and the final test for when your children reach this important milestone:
1. The father begins the family meal as usual with no signs that anything is awry in any way.
2. The unsuspecting child behaves as usual (throwing food on the floor, spilling milk, singing Wheels on the Bus, and/or unceasingly asking, “why?”).
3. The father then waits for the mother to excuse herself from the table at some point during the meal. The mother is not accomplice to this particular milestone event (she is in fact the second dupe once removed [see below]), but mothers often must bustle about during the family meal to fetch more milk, replace fallen utensils, or visit the bathroom.
4. The father, then being left alone with the child, begins to look inquiringly about the room.
5. The child will invariably notice and also begin looking about the room in hopes of discovering the object of the seemingly impromptu inquest.
6. The father’s probing gaze and full attention eventually come to his own hand.
7. The child will notice this as well and wonder what crime the hand could have committed for the father will have been affecting a very serious expression throughout the search and apparent discovery.
8. The father then raises the suspect appendage to his nose, makes a slight olfactory investigation of his own hand, and says the key phrase to the entire rite of passage: “Does your hand smell like peanut butter?”
9. The child, being wildly curious about how father’s hand can have come to smell like peanut butter will hook, line, and proverbial sinker buy the false information and be slightly fearful and vestedly interested to determine if she herself is also afflicted with the same malady.
10. The child looks askance at her own hand.
11. The father then takes full advantage of the child’s hand being voluntarily placed in front of her own face and mildly strikes the back of her hand sending it directly into her pate.
12. Then, as the child feels duped, slightly confused, and mostly embarrassed, the father laughs heartily with intermittent guffaws. Belly holding and knee slapping are helpful, but not necessary. For some particular children, though, pointing and mockery may be required as well as slow-motion, dumb show reenactments with exaggerated gestures and facial expressions.
This completes the training. The full test comes immediately when mother returns to the table. The father waits with great anticipation to see if the child has learned anything from this event. The final test scores as follows:
A: Child performs the exercise perfectly for mother (A+ if the mother is fully duped)
B: Child performs the exercise well, but must be reminded of the verbatim wording.
C: Child asks mother if her hand smells like peanut butter but does not pursue the completion (if mother looks inquiringly at father, father simply plays dumb and says, “hmph, why would she say something like that?”)
D: Child tells mother what father has done.
F: Child cries
My eyes welled happily as Abby passed this rite swimmingly.
